REDUCE CONFLICT --- GET TO THE JOY!

We all grow up with a list of do's and don’ts in our head.  Then we choose a partner and are surprised to find that our partner didn’t grow up with the same list!!  The differences in our basic expectations are not always easy to talk about. For example, eating with your mouth open, not flushing, burping, creating chaos when doing a project, not showering often.

There are so many issues that can get under our skin that may result in our withdrawing, criticizing or judging one another. This can slowly erode good feelings. I’d like to propose a way to deal with those issues.

First
Both of you need to agree to commit to at least 2 sessions before throwing in the towel.  It’s hard to see the value of it for your relationship in a short time period.  

Now
Select a time when you are both free for at least 3 hours.  Arrange for children to be with relatives or a sitter—out of the house.  Put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door and turn off your phones.

Each of you choose a private cozy spot in the house and go there with a note book and pens. Get comfortable and clear your mind of your To-Do List.  Write PRIVATE on the cover of your note-book and decide where you will keep it safe.  Make a pledge that you will never ever read each other’s notebook!!

Now make a list of the things your partner does that are not comfortable for you. If it makes you cringe write it down…EVERYTHING!!

When you are finished go to the living room and wait patiently for your partner.  Flip a coin to see who goes first and read one thing from your list. Describe the item and your reaction to it clearly.
Example
“You eat with your mouth open very often and I find that very uncomfortable.”

Responses may range from:
“I didn’t know I do that!  Thank you for telling me.  I will try very hard not to do that and you can signal me if I forget”.
To
“No, I don’t!!!

If you get a response like this last one, mark the issue as unresolved in your book.  Don’t discuss it further at this time. Instead select another item on your list to deal with.  Continue taking turns until you each have one or two items that you will be working on.

Some time later you may both have an issue you don’t want to deal with.  See if you can make a trade and both of you try to resolve your difficult issue in one session.

With time and practice you will become so skilled that the process will become smoother and easier, and there will be fewer issues to address as you whittle down your lists. However you will always have new ones to add.  Don’t be surprised if one of your lists is much longer than the other one, that may change as you work together.

This is all about being creative!
Give time and space for your partner to try and resolve their own issue, don’t try to help!!  Go slow, do not expect to resolve all issues at once.  It is not a race. When we spend 20 or 30 years doing something one way, it is hard to do it differently.  Be patient with each other!  Give lots of time and space. Observe without comment, then put the issue back on your list and bring it up at a future session if you see no progress.

The End of Each Session

• Tell your partner something you admire about them.
• Now tell them something they did that you appreciated this month.
• Spend the rest of your privacy time having fun together.

Put your next session in your date books.

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If you have decided this is not for you

Be aware of what you do instead of doing the exercises, 

such as—nag—hold grudges—withdraw—build anger—feel depressed—judge—or withhold love.

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Managing All the Big Stuff

This is a once a-year session to do after the others sessions are comfortable.

Go back to your cozy private places with your notebooks and 3 colored pencils.  Make a new section in your note-book and label it “The Big Stuff”.  Relax and get comfortable. Make a list of all things that need management in your home and family life. When you finish, join your partner at a table. Combine your lists so you end up with one complete list.  Now both of you check each item with colored pencils:
1. Like doing,    2. Don't like doing,   3. Feel ill equipped to do

Now divide all the jobs so that you each have about the same number in each category.  You will get some jobs you hate, some you like, and some you have to learn.

At the end of a year do it again, dividing the tasks differently.  That way you both will eventually become skilled in each category.  There may be a time when you will have to carry the whole load for a while.  It’s much better to feel competent for emergencies.  You may also appreciate each other more. Don’t be afraid to hire someone to help you when you need it.  (They can also be good teachers and helpers in an emergency.)

If you have children, start early to make a category for each of them, so that by the time they leave home they know how to take care of themselves. Start a small allowance early so they learn to deal with money.

Some ideas of what to include.   (besides childcare and jobs)  Income (budgeting, bill paying); Living Quarters (decorating, cleaning, caring for); Transportation (caring for cars): Food (planning, buying, cooking, clean up); Yard (planning, planting, caring for); Vacations (where, when, how);  Talking and visiting time; Giving/Donating (money and time outside the family); Larger family activities; Relaxing and playing; Monitor sound and temperature in home/car.

Make sure that you both get about the same amount of work. Grade each task for time and energy. A given task may require a different level of time and energy for one of you than for the other, this becomes part of the negotiation.  Optimum love making (hire a good licensed sex therapist if needed)

Add your own items to make this fit your family. Decide when you will up-date this plan.  Put it in your date books.

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If you have comments or suggestions please write a note. Click the "No Comments" or Comments link on the following line.

Lack of "alone time" leads to conflict!

    Many of us believe that when we fall in love, we should want to be with that person all the time. However, all people need alone time.

    Alone time is a basic need like food, and the lack of it can cause stress. It can be so distressing that we will lie, get sick, manipulate, create a fight, or explode. Then of course we get to be alone. But that price is too high. It can be flipped! 

    Examine your relationship together. Are one or both of you aware of your normal need for alone time? Have you been successful getting the alone time you need by letting your partner know? If not, you can negotiate it with each other, without resentment.

    Don't be surprised if your needs are very different from each other. That is most often the case.

    Shooting hoops alone for an hour when you arrive home from work may do it for you. Or you may need time in a room alone for several hours. The options are endless. If you work with people all day, you may be desperate for 'alone time'. Or if you work alone, you may crave company. That difference can cause havoc if not acknowledged and scheduled.

    No one can help you figure out your need, or how to meet it. You will know when you get it right because you'll feel so much better about yourself and your partner/family. Once you accomplish that, it will be easier to let each other know when you have an emergency, a desperate need for 'alone time' now!

    Or, you could be in a real miss-match, where one person wants to be with you two hours a week, while you want time together each day. Very good to know! You may want to stay friends and look for a more compatible person to be with.

Healing from a childhood abuse.

 This is the final edition of Missing Pieces! I realized, at age 70, that I had no memory of being inside my home, where I grew up, or ever being inside a school classroom. I began to write then, and have continued over the last 24 years, as one painful memory after another was remembered. It was a successful process and I am now free of those negative messages.

The second part of my book is about the programs I designed and ran over a 25 year period in public schools. The Self and Relationships Workshop that I gave at Rutgers University was taken by 7,000 college students and could be a model for all universities. The Little Buddy Program is very much needed right now with 'kids at risk' coming back to school after the depths of the pandemic. It costs nothing and is easy to administer: it had a big impact on all of the children who participated.

Missing Pieces and Blending and Re-Blending are now available to listen to on Audible! The books are also on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Pieces-Healing-Memoir-Dyslexic/dp/B09LGLN34T/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3VUQP8ZG9DCL7&keywords=missing+pieces+by+pat+mcvey&qid=1643392440&sprefix=missing+pieces+pat+mcvey%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-1 

 

Be Responsible for your Relationship Choice

Love sometimes makes it easier to live with some annoying habits and life styles, but it helps to reduce the number as much as you can.  Not by expecting the other person to change!!!   But by carefully gathering information and choosing what you can live with.    

Approach the discussion from the point of view that NOTHING is “right” or “wrong”, it just IS.   You are going to try to reduce friction and frustration by knowing in advance and choosing it.   Believe me, everyone assumes that the way they are is “normal and right”. 

Add and edit the list to make it fit you.  Circle your non-negotiables.    It’s easier to tell the truth if you individually answer the questions on paper, then share them.   Don’t wait until the night before the wedding!!

Possible issues
*Pets?  Dogs, cats, other:  Indoors or outdoors, who will feed, walk, shampoo, take to the Vet, and clean up after?  

*Neatnick or relaxed (disorganized), best to go into detail.   How clean do you like to live…in the house/apt, car, yard.   Who will do the work, how often?  

*Talking.  Do you tend to share?  Talk a lot?  Prefer silence?

*How important is food?  Favorite food?   When to eat?  Who cooks?  Who cleans up?  How important in the budget?

*Children?   How many.   Do you believe in handing down strict rules or would you be more likely to combine rules with  talking  stuff over.   Abortion if things go wrong?   Contraceptive, who, what?  Children from previous relationship will be what part of this relationship?  How often and how do you like to spend time with parents, siblings and other relatives?

*Spender or saver?   How do you tend to do that?   Do you invest part of your income every month.   Do you budget the rest.   Do you contribute regularly, to what?  Who is going to handle the income?   How much debt do you have now?   How much saved?   What assets?   Are you supporting anyone else?     Who will you leave assets to?

*Want to rent or own?   City or rural?   How do you like to vacation?

*How do you relax?  With others or alone?  Noisy or quiet?   Sports or theater etc?   Favorite music?  All the time or occasionally.   TV, what and how much?   Read, what and how much.   How much alone time do you need, in what way?  

* To what extent can you make a commitment to a caring relationship?   What and how often relationships with others.   Casual friends?  Sex with others?   If you change your mind, how will it be handled.  If an uncommitted relationship, how will you protect each other from sexual transmitted
disease.

*Importance of religion and politics in your life?   How do you participate?

*Touching, constant skin hunger or don’t like being touched?   Where and how and how often in detail.  How and in what way will you communicate your desires? 

No one is a good mind reader.  But most people are willing to give and take or take turns about some things.  Hope this list will gives a basis for discussion.

We've been set up for disappointment

I don't know who teens fall in love with today, but I'd bet they are movie or singing stars.  In my day it was Robert Redford, Jimmy Stewart, Paul Newman, Spencer Tracy;  Frank Sinatra's singing was my favorite, but he didn't make it on the macho scale.

It had to do with how they looked and behaved on film, and it never goes away.  That tall, strong, silent handsome man is still the standard creating heart throbs after 75 years of learning that no man is really like that, not even them.  They were great actors who gave us a dream that wasn't real.  And we used it to measure all men.   

There is no way to reprogram that!!  A life time of watching their films where, after for all the world it felt like "if I wait long enough, hunt relentlessly, I'll find that man." And it was so real that it didn't occur to me that if I found him, he would not choose me.   He would choose Marilyn Monroe!!  Because it happened to men too!

They seem even more hooked than women are. They are so programmed to seek beautiful women that they even ditch their wife and children to marry a younger more beautiful one, sometimes on into their dotage.  As long as they are beautiful nothing else seems to matter. They can't give up their fantasies either.  Is that why porn is so popular?  I'd bet my bottom dollar!

Both men and women cheated themselves by falling for the Hollywood view of relationships.   We fell for it hook, line and sinker and looked for a fantasy for a partner in life. The lucky ones didn't believe it, and were able to select well, and enjoy their partner without yearning for an air brushed Hollywood fantasy.  I hope Hollywood does better for the next generation.

If I were to choose now, I'd look for a companion who is sweet and giving with a good sense of humor; someone who enjoys great art, theater, and gardening.  A guy who loves to be at home but likes an exciting world trip for vacations.  He reads a lot and knows what's going on in the world, who still believes he can make the world better, and puts energy and creativity into his ideas.  A person who keeps up with how to live, eat, and cook so that he keeps himself healthy and vibrant.  A person who enjoys people from a wide variety of cultures and experiences.  A person who has projects and enthusiasms, and finds great joy in life. And talks to me about it all.  But not all the time, I need lots of quiet time. I'd settle for part of that. I want a lot!!

None of that has anything to do with tall, handsome and macho.  If I could go round again, I'd give up the Hollywood view so that I could match my physical responses and desires to who I am.  If we weren't sold an unrealistic fantasy from an early age would we be more content in marriage?  Would we make wiser choices  and look for a person who has many qualities we admire. Would we be more realistic about what marriage has to offer?  
I'd bet my bottom dollar!

You Are Responsible for Protecting Yourself

This post is mostly for the person leaving home for the first time.  

Since it's fall and I worked at a University for many years in the Counseling Center, I find myself thinking of things all students need to know when leaving home for the first time. Also, as hard as I tried to make sure my own children were prepared, I goofed up.  I recall one daughter telling later about her 1st day at Cornell when she finally sat down on a curb in despair because she couldn't figure out how to put her money in a bank. 

It's really hard if you have to learn everything by making mistakes. Everyone has a trail of those behind them. The trick is to make sure you learn as much as you can before you leave home. It will reduce a lot of stress if you arrive knowing how to do your own laundry, make a bed, organize your stuff into small spaces, cook some basics, and are good at saying how you feel and what you want.  And, of course you need to know how to manage your time and your money.   

I remember one student whose mother moved him into his room at the University. She hung frilly curtains, and filled all the drawers and the closet with his clothes neatly, and made his bed with a bed spread that matched the curtains.  When the room mate arrived there wasn't a bit of space left or an opportunity for joint decisions. That kind of night mare happens!!   One liners like "guess you thought you were going to have a single room, what did you think that other bed was for?" probably won't work. So learn how to problem solve before you get there, and how to say what you need and want very clearly. And of course you also need to know how to find out what others want and how to share.

There were always kids every year who had to talk to their mother on the phone every day at least once, and went home every week-end. I suspected that it was more than just having their mom wash their clothes.  Most of those kids didn't make it past the 1st semester. Try to work on independence slowly in high school so you and your parents work up to separation.
 
But there are other areas that are more serious that young men and women need to be prepared for.   And that includes protecting yourself from sexual predators. Read my blog posted on August 24th, it will give you very important information about sexual assault. But it isn't just other students you need to be aware of, it's everyone. First of all trust your own antenna, it will clue you if you listen and trust it. It's the same antenna you used as a little kid that helped you know who you could go to to ask questions about sex.

Most people are there to help you without expecting anything in return, but there is a small percent of people at every level, no matter where you go, that can't be trusted. Learn to listen to your intuition and be prepared with an emergency number on your cell phone, don't hesitate to call for help if you realize you may not be safe. Campus police are usually very responsive.

It would be wise to avoid parties and bars without a posse of trusted friends with you. DO NOT drink or take drugs at parties given by male social groups. One of the current methods of easy assault is to drop a knock out pill into your drink. The other is to accurately assess when you've had a little too much alcohol or drugs so you can no longer defend yourself.

Don't give up when the going is tough, face your fears, and learn how to be smart about protecting yourself. There are always good generous people ready to help you. But if you make a mistake, which we all do, learn from it.  If your bad feelings don't go away within a few days, find a good counselor.  The services are free at all Colleges and Universities counseling centers.

I did not think I would have to deal with empty nest syndrome. I had a very full professional life with challenging, creative work. But when my son, my last child to leave, was ready to go out the door, I panicked. I wanted to throw my arms around his legs and beg him not to go. Of course I hid those feeling, but I now have no doubt about the pain of empty nest syndrome.

Negotiating Differences

In case you think that loving someone means that you will want the same things, at the same time, in the same way. . . I have some bad news for you.  But most things can be worked out, as long as you develop the skills to do that.  They are not learned growing up in most families so nothing is wrong with you if you don't know how.  It just requires learning some basic communication skills and practicing until it becomes an automatic as part of your style.

Basic to all relationships skills is that there is no right or wrong in what a person likes and dislikes, it just is.  So start from that premise, it will keep you from being judgmental…that isn't easy, so struggle with it till you get it!! 

The goal is to get to know the likes and dislikes of your friend/partner/or spouse.  You can never eliminate all differences, nor would you want to, but it helps if you can reduce the number of times you cringe.  You will be learning how to communicate feelings and preferences clearly, with words, out loud!  Then you get to the critical part, negotiating the differences.  

It is awkward at first, like learning to ride a bike.  But once you get the knack, it will become automatic, and makes life more pleasant.

It's also scary, you may find that you have chosen the wrong person!!  Good thing to know actually!!!  On the other hand, if you learn these skills well you may develop a very exciting, rewarding and lasting relationship.  One in which you can trust one another and live with out getting everything you want.  But you'll also know your friend didn't get all they wanted either.

You do know that you will never agree about everything no matter who the partner is…don't you???

Start from the beginning, after you have mutually declared that you like each other and agree to follow these instructions.

Most partners will need and want to know what you like most, but not all at once!   
And they won't want to keep stepping on your pet peeves, that feels terrible.  
The last thing you want to do in a relationship, that has future possibilities, is to give them a list of things that set your teeth on edge.  But your friend really needs that information!   So here is a suggestion that might solve the dilemma. 

Make it into a game.
When the time is right, every night/week/or month set aside 20 minutes for "share time".
*Take turns going first.
* Limit the number of shares to no more than one "what I like", and one "what I don't like". 
*Do not start with personal peeves about the other person, this is a get-acquainted game to help avoid annoyances in the future.  You can get to the personal stuff later, when you have both demonstrated that you can be trusted not to use the game to put the other person down or win.  This is not a contest!!

 Let me see how I feel about that!  is the name of the game.
Write one 'pet peeve' and one 'what I just love" message.  Each of you write on a separate pad of paper. 
Example: 
1st person
-  It annoys me when someone goes outside and doesn't shut the door quickly; that lets flies, bees, and spiders in my house.
+  I love hugs and kisses.
2nd person       
-  It bothers me when someone doesn't do what they say they will, without telling me of a plan change.
+  I love it when someone cooks my favorite meals.

Got it? 

It will be tempting to keep going.  Don't do it.  It is important to process what you just did.  You need to know where the conflicting styles are.  To do that, have each person repeat what they just heard.  Take notes.  You'll be  surprised at how often you and your partner didn't hear or remember accurately .  

Then you need to negotiate the differences. Take turns responding to each share.  For example in response to "love to have someone cook my favorite meal,"  the partner may say "I don't cook and I don't want to learn".  To which the other may say "I love to cook and I will do the cooking" or "I don't either, so lets order in and/or eat out."  The reply may be, "we can't afford that, let's be on our own for breakfast and lunch, and order in or go out for dinner".  "That sounds good, but we'll have to budget it carefully". etc. etc. etc.

Other possible responses to issues: "I'm really glad to know that" or  "I feel exactly the same way!" or "I'm not good at that but I'm willing to learn" or "I'll try that, let me know when I forget".  It doesn't feel good if someone often says  "Oh, you screwed that up"!  After once or twice you may be tempted to put tape over their mouth.  Try a non-verbal sign.

Sometimes a solution can't be found.  Just keep track of the outcome of each conflict negotiated, and don't draw any conclusions yet.  You can come back to it at a later time when you get stuck. 

Some things are not negotiable. If you find that you are unwilling to change, put that item on your nonnegotiable list.  If that is acceptable you are home free.  If, on the other hand, that is also a non-negotiable for the other person then slow down.  Example;  one "likes to binge drink at parties";  their partner says  "that is just something I could not live with."   Better take weeks or months to think and then come back to it.   The drinker may have decided "to go into rehab and give it up".  (see below) If not the other may say  "I'll try to live with it, but every time it happens it will affect my respect for you, and it would be hard to live with you if I don't respect you."

At some point, way down the line, you will have a lot a information.  You'll see how good you each are at negotiating differences, and how often you are willing to compromise creatively.  And you'll know what is non-negotiable for both of you.

It's important to hold the line on your top priorities.  Remember that you were chosen because of your uniqueness, your style, your way of looking at the world.  Your goal is to make it possible for 2 different people to live together in relative peace and comfort most of the time.  Try to respect
the big differences, they can be what makes life most delicious.

At some point, hopefully, way down the line, you may decide that this relationship has enough good stuff to keep going.  And you'll find that saying what you like and don't like, with words, out loud is automatic; and negotiating the differences works well most of the time. Then life together should be fun and rewarding most of the time. 

Your alternative is to suffer in silence every time your pet peeves are stepped on, become a curmudgeon or shrew, or slowly withdraw from each other.  Sometimes one person suffers silently and the other one is oblivious and happy.  Or both bomb out at communicating and negotiating, but are so afraid of being alone that they quietly cling to each other and become alike.        
        _______________________________________
*You need to know what you are dealing with when alcohol or drugs are involved.  If it is a conflict, consult a specialist on addiction.  Did you know that binge drinkers can be alcoholics, even if they seldom do it.  Beer drinkers can also be addicted.

*The first time there is physical abuse find an anger specialist on rage management.  Don't try to do that alone.  It can be treated, but not by you.  Do not assume it will stop, it almost never does, it escalates.

*Do not assume that since you've been together 15 or 40 years that you already know everything you need to know.  You may just have more to work with!

*If your partner is not in touch with their feelings, this game will not work.  If they are willing, a therapist can help them figure out why they are stuffing feelings.  Expressing feelings is learn-able.

The Double Bind

The Double Bind for Women became clear to me one day when I was working at Rutgers.  I was putting up a large contraceptive exhibit when a student wandered in and hoisted herself up on one of the tables where I had put a lot of pamphlets on different contraceptives.   She watched me for a while then I noticed that she was surreptitiously trying to read a pamphlet lying on the table.   I eventually wondered over and said "you can have that if you want".   She jumped off the table and said "Oh No!  I'm not interested, I'm Catholic" and ran down the hall.

Many women are handicapped by a double message that puts them in a psychological double bind.   There are two very strong opposing messages in our society.   Check in with yourself now to see if you are caught by either one.  Sometimes they linger in the place where you store shame.

One is communicated by the media that surrounds us everywhere and gives the message that -to catch the good life, you should look gorgeous and sexually appealing with perfect skin, hair, and bodies; it is more important than anything else to be sexually appealing… so spend your time, thought, and money shopping and tending your appearance.

The other strong message is that sex is a NO NO, don't even think about it.  This is a message communicated most strongly when parents never talk about it.

The question is: should you choose the looking sexy option or should you listen to the No No's as dictated by church and parents…don't see, feel or think about sex?  This double bind is very powerful for women and affects them in many ways. The down side is that women sacrifice an important part of themselves no matter which choice they make.

If your mother (parents) think they are protecting you by pretending you aren't a sexual being, you need to let them know, very carefully and gently, "that won't work today"  (I doubt if it ever did).  Gently let them know that you need to have information about your body in order to develop a healthy self image and to protect yourself.  Guilt and shame will prevent you from doing a good job of either of those.  

You could invite your mother to accompany you to the gynecologist!  But remember, you are looking for a win win, not the 3rd world war, tread carefully.  In her heart she will probably be so relieved, she really doesn't want you to be vulnerable to all the things she is afraid of. That may or may not help her.  Just keep trying very gently. She is the only mother you get.

If you choose the SEXY option, you might actually believe that there is gold at the end of that rainbow. . . that is sure what the media is selling!!  It may be true for a very very few women….for a while.  But women's appearance has a short shelf life.  Then you need to have other things you are passionate about, like a career, children….. global warming.  

It's good to get a running start at that early in your life, though what ever you have left will also work.  Your goal is to become your best self.  Figuring out what your interests and strengths are, your talents, passions, and values--all of that will develop into your self concept, who you are.  You can begin very young, and it takes as long as it takes, and often changes as you get older, so hang loose.  This is the only life you get.  It can be much more rewarding if you diversify.